Why Self Help Gurus Get It Wrong

Self Help is a bit of a misnomer. You would think that if you read a self help book or went to a self help seminar that you would be getting valuable information to, I don't know, help yourself. I've found that this is rarely the case in the self help industry.

For a woman to actually help herself she would need to (I'm sure you know the pattern by now) learn something new. This new something can be a skill, knowledge, practical facts or more information, a new concept or tool she can put in practice or insights about herself that can help get her to where she wants to be. No matter what it is it must be something she can use in her own life.

Self Help rarely ever teaches new skills and mostly hands out new concepts and facts that don't really help. The facts may give us more information about a topic which is a bit helpful but it never really goes farther than being a nice anecdote or informational tidbit. The Self Help industry continues to fall short of ever really, truly helping people yet women continue to give billions of dollars to make themselves feel better.

Forbes.com wrote an article back in 2009 about the Self Help industry from the standpoint of what people continue to pay for even during an economic downturn. Forbes quoted Brian Tracy, "People keep buying because they like to feel like they're improving themselves." Brian is a head of a self help book and seminar business. Notice how he says "because they like to feel" and not "because they are". This is just one article on one website but I think it pretty much summarizes why and how the self help industry gets so much money. You can read the entire article here.

Now, I am not advocating making the self help industry illegal. They are not forcing people to give them money. And for the most part they aren't really even lying or committing fraud. I believe in a free market and if people continue to give money to a non-fraudulent business that's their issue. I just hope that my blog encourages women to stop giving their hard earned money to programs they really don't need.

It's Just Problem Solving, People!

The self help industry's lack of teaching practical skills is just one thing they get wrong. They also assume that what worked for them will work for everyone else. Self Help gurus are extremely good at telling you the problems they had, the struggles they went through and then, that simple epiphany, where everything made sense to them and they were able to turn their life around. What they are really describing is problem solving. Plain and simple.

Every woman has the innate ability to problem solve. You might be out of practice but you have all the resources you need... namely... your brain. You have the same ability to look at your life and figure out what you want to improve and then figure out what you need to do in order to improve it. When the gurus tell you about their epiphanies and stories of success it all sounds magical and mysterious. But it's really nothing more than the classic Brain vs. Problem.

You Aren't Broken, You're Just Human

The self help industry's biggest mistake is making millions, perhaps billions, of people feel like there's something wrong with them. Most women want to improve themselves. Who wouldn't? It's human nature to strive for more. It's also human nature to not be perfect.

You are not broken because you can't meditate or don't know how to "think positively to achieve your goals". First of all, while meditation can be a stress reliever, it's not the only stress relieving tool available to you. And secondly even if you could meditate or "think positively" you are still going to have to do a lot more to make whatever improvement you want to make. The self help industry shows you things that most humans don't know how to do in the first place and then scolds you for not knowing how to do it yourself.

If you want to learn how to meditate or think positively because you believe that it's a tool that can help you to your goals, that's fine. Just don't spend time and money on these things just because some self help guru told you to.


I wish the self help industry would understand that there's no magic pill for life. Humans don't fall neatly into a one-size-fits-all box. And we aren't broken, damn it!

The Final Frontier

The most important part of being a creative person and enhancing your creative ability is to be open to new ideas. But not only just new ideas. More importantly you must be open to different ideas. True creativity is born when you are able to take two or more concepts and put them together to form a new thing or concept. True creativity is also born when you take a concept and turn it upside down or take an upside down concept and turn it right-side up. This is hard to do in a vacuum.

Humans have a brain and a mouth and hands and eyes and emotions for a reason: To communicate our thoughts, feelings, beliefs, passions, frustrations and deepest desires which is the stuff that makes up ... us. And by communicating all these things we are able to help each other, solve problems, save lives, have fun and most importantly enjoy our life on this planet (and I hope, one day, that we are able to enjoy life on other planets as well.)

There have been many stories lately about trying to silence people's opinions and beliefs in one way or another. It doesn't matter if this silencing is being caused by the government or politicians, schools, or the public. I will not place the blame on any one party. But when has the answer ever been to limit ideas?

About 6 months ago a friend of mine decided to stop being my friend. We had just gotten into a heated debate during the elections and I'm really still not sure what her reasons are but I think our friendship ended from a combination of miscommunication, frustration and false perception. My grandma asked if we were friends again or if I had heard from her and I said no. She then said, "Well, that's why you shouldn't talk about politics or religion."

I understand that this rule is followed strictly by many people especially people of my grandma's generation. And I understand why people would choose to follow this rule. I also understand that their are certain times when talking politics or religion is just not acceptable at all. But how is not talking about our beliefs helping either?

I love Star Trek, especially The Next Generation. I'm not a Trekkie but I follow many of the philosophies discussed in the series. As you probably know, each episode starts out with Captain Picard saying, "Space, the final frontier." I love that line but I have to disagree with our beloved Captain. The Universe is not our final frontier. We are our final frontier. You are my final frontier and I am your final frontier. No matter how far humans travel away from our home planet we will always be on a quest to understanding each other and other creatures as well.

The only way to accomplish this difficult but wonderful quest is to talk. Talk to your family and friends. Talk to people whom you know have different opinions then you. Talk to people who are afraid to voice their opinions. Get in heated debates. Walk away frustrated, slam doors, stomp off. Then come back and talk again.

It will be hard. Many people are out of practice. It may seem awkward at times to be so open and raw. But I guarantee that after a while you will see creativity and understanding blossoming all around you.

Thanks to HubbleSite.org for the above picture.

Musings about Monarchy

I'm going to take a break this week from Saturday Smorgasbord cause I'm rethinking/reworking it a bit. Plus I really want to talk about a book I'm reading right now. It's called The Other Boleyn Girl. I'm sure you've heard about; it's been made into a movie staring two of my favorite actresses, Natalie Portman and Scarlett Johansson. I haven't seen the movie yet because I have to read the book first. It just seems wrong to watch the movie before reading the book...

But I digress...

I have a love/hate relationship with this book. I love the writing and the description that Philippa Gregory gives is like a yummy desert. It's like she's feeding me the story. And after each helping I'm pleasantly full. But I hate the situations the Boleyn sisters were put in. I understand that it was a symptom of the times and all that but to live and not be able to express your feelings or let anyone know who you truly are is such a horrible thought for me.

Sane & Satisfied is about being honest with yourself and others, even if that honesty is ugly. I could not imagine being forced by my own family to smile while the father of my child sleeps with my sister. Horrible.

I like to compare different eras in history with present day. And it got me thinking about what's changed since Monarchy times and what hasn't. Speaking from an American point of view, we don't have a king and queen. Our women are free to do what they want with their life and pick their own mate. We can speak out against our President and government without the fear of being beheaded in the town square.

But we are still just as much ruled by outward appearances as people were back then. Today we have marketing campaigns and "experts" telling us how we should look and behave. We still have a very small group of people making laws for many. And there are a lot of stories and myths that influence our thoughts and actions and beliefs.

For all the faults of a Monarchy system the people or the peasants at least knew how to take care of themselves. They knew how to keep cattle, horses and other animals alive and well. They knew how to raise a garden. Many of them knew blacksmithing and sewing. And they obviously knew how to cook and bake from scratch. Not many people alive today (at least in America) know how to do all that.

Is that just the way it goes? The more political freedom a people gain the more skills they loose? Because it seems to me that most of us don't think that we can do anything at all. And with all the "bigger, better, faster, cheaper" products we can't stop buying we know less and less every year.

Well that's all the rambling for today. I guess I'll get back to devouring my book...

The Anti-Creative Process (or What Happens During Election Season)

Eistein once said, "A well defined problem is halfway to being solved." In the time leading up to an election the air is filled with problems and all the components that make up a problem. Who did what first, who is at fault, your solution is wrong, you did this, etc. I agree with Einstein but how do you know when you have defined the problem enough, when do you finally realize that it's not the problem we are trying so hard to define but actually the blame we are trying so hard to hide from?

There is importance in figuring out what exactly the problem is before a solution can even be talked about. That is the Preparation stage of the Creative Process. But when you hang out for too long in the Preparation stage, surrounded by problems, complaints, yelling, and blame-throwing you find yourself in limbo, fearing to move forward lest that direction elicits abuse from the other side. Stuck in a never-ending circle of blaming and retreating from blame, we regret to move forward.

You also can't be so focused on the solution that you ignore what the problem is altogether. And for some reason I get the sense that both are happening at the same time. All to often, we "know" what the solution should be and feel that hurling blame at the other party will somehow shed a positive light on us and our "righteous" solution. And I guess, we also get impatient? But this is the Anti-Creative Process, Destruction at its finest.

If the Creative Process is

1. The Drawing Board

2. Incubation

3. Eureka

4. Critique

and 5. Implementation

Then the Anti-Creative Process is:

1. The Problems

2. Skip Incubation

3. The Solutions

4. Go back and forth between Problems and Solutions a few more times

5. Skip any kind of Critique Stage

and 6. Arbitrary implementation

Unfortunately, during these election times it seems as though humans forget that we are creative being. We forget that we have tools and skills necessary to solve our own problems. And we put our faith in a handful of people to solve our problems for us. But this back and forth is solving anything except making us all feel more hopeless about our lives.

Why every Sane & Satisfied woman should have an Idea Notebook

Ideas make our world go round. Ideas are funny, sad, innovative, difficult and even offensive or scary. Ideas move our lives forward and are the first steps in creating new things. It is my strong belief that the reason many women feel unhappy or that they can't change their lives is because they've either run out of ideas or can't find confidence in the ideas they have.

Ideas are fragile. They are there, fully formed, in our minds one minute and poof, they are gone the next, without any trace they had been there at all. And if we actually do, by some magical happenstance, get them out of our heads and into the world someone is always there to tear them down.

Creativity is a Blessid Union

Wine hung in the air and on my brain as I looked around the crowded room. Waiting in anticipation for the band to come down from the loft and start the show I began to chatter like I normally do when I'm excited.

"I hope they play 'Hey Leonardo'." I leaned toward my husband, grabbing his hand like a little schoolgirl. "I know they are going to play 'I Believe'. That's, like, their most popular song."

"I'm sure they will," said my husband.

'This is so surreal,' I thought. 'Blessid Union of Souls in Oakwood, Illinois. At a winery no less.' For a second I wondered how I was going to react to seeing a celebrity. I haven't seen that many and the ones I have seen I've seen from a great distance or they weren't very big celebrities but I never know how I'm going to act around even a slightly famous person. And here I was about to be 10 feet from the lead singer of Blessid Union. I wasn't quite sure what would happen.

Grow Where You Are Planted

I saw the title of this post, "Grow where you are planted", inside a handmade card at a cafe downtown. When I read those words for the first time I felt a jolt go through me. It's the simplest phrase but it packs a powerful meaning.

Sometimes during the course of our hectic lives we forget about those things that made us giddy when we were younger. We get caught up in "what I'm supposed to do" land that we forget about what makes us, us. Or if you are like me, you look at others who are "successful" and want to be just like them but forget about all the steps they had to go through to get where they are now.

For a while I have felt like a failure because I couldn't get to where "they" are. My goals have been so lofty and 5 years out that every day I woke up I still felt miles away from my dream. I guess I finally realize what "Take it one day at a time" means.

Trees don't sprout immediately from seed to full grown Spruce. Roots must branch out and feel the earth around them, learning and gaining nutrients as they go. This slow progression builds the tree so strong that even though trees might get cut down the roots remain.

This concept is what separates phonies from the authentic.

Whatever is keeping you from your dreams whether it's a hectic life or someone yelling in your ear to, "Do This, Be This!" Remember that even though your roots may be weak right now they are still there and can point you in the right direction.

Entrepreneur Torture & Vulnerability

My friend, Jake and I have shared a few booths at local craft fairs and Farmer's Markets. On a particularly slow day I looked at him and said, "Why do we put ourselves through this torture?"

I mean, we make all our products, we setup our booth (sometimes in the rain or extreme heat), we have to deal with all the customers and many times we don't make back what we put in.

Yet we keep going back.

Even though the last couple weeks in Midwest Illinois have been ungodly humid and in the 90s to 100s I keep setting up my booth at the Farmer's Market.After all the no's and false hope I still offer my homemade Tea Tree Lotion to every women (and sometimes man) who walks by.

So, why do we do it? A smarter person would just stay home or get a 9-5 job. But not Entrepreneurs. Oh no, we like to feel the hope when someone says, "Ooo, that's cute. How much is it? Not bad, my daughter would love that." And then the crushing defeat when they add, "Well, I'm just looking around at what everyone has." Or that woman who can't quite just tell you No. She has to string you along for a few weeks saying, "Will you be here next week? Ok, I'll buy some then." (This is a true story. The woman said this to me for 4 weeks in a row. Thankfully, she stopped.)

My Sane & Satisfied Journey

On Tuesday I spoke about why I started Sane & Satisfied Blog and what my goal is. Today I'd like to tell you about what's gone on in my life since I started this journey.

Before I started thinking about life in a Sane & Satisfied way I didn't really have direction. I also didn't feel like I was in charge of my life or had control over where my time and energy went. I was going to meetings for organizations that I wasn't passionate about anymore, I was saying yes to projects for myself and others that didn't fit in with what I really wanted to do with my life and I basically didn't have a focus. I felt I was wasting my time and that I was always having to start over.

I spent a lot of time in the self-help section too. I was trying to find a guidebook. But the problem was I didn't know why I needed guidance or where I wanted to be guided to. It finally dawned on me that this wasn't a way to live your life.

Let's tell a new story...

 

The Old Story

I have become more politically aware over the last couple years. I have paid more attention to what our politicians are doing. I've attended City Council meetings in my hometown. I have researched candidates and read about economics and the Constitution. And the one thing that I have found is that there are a lot of people and groups telling stories about themselves and other people. And I believe that these stories have led to false understandings about who we are as people and how we function as a society.

It's not only political groups who tell stories but businesses and marketing campaigns as well. These stories are a little easier for us to see and some companies, like Dove, have exposed these stories. Dove launched a campaign not too long ago focusing on defeating the negative message that young girls are taught by media and Hollywood. Dove answered by teaching that curves are beautiful and while being a healthy weight is good for you, starving yourself isn't. And more than that they tried to teach that your body weight isn't everything.

Saying Yes to Opportunities

Success is just a small step

It's a fact universally known that the more you do something the more chances you have to succeed. The more times you set up a booth at the Farmers Market the more chances you give yourself to make money. The more times you buy a lottery ticket the more chances you have to win. The more dates you go on the more chances you have to find Prince Charming.

I have read many interviews with successful people and how they became successful and I have noticed a couple patterns. First, they always have their eyes open for new opportunity and they seize that opportunity. Second, if something unexpected is thrown their way they say, "What the hell" and make the most of it.

Musings on Freedom

It's our Independence Day tomorrow. And before we get all giddy about having the day off and pissed that the 4th didn't fall on a Thursday this year so we could get 2 days off and lazy from eating mounds of junk food I thought I would talk a little about freedom and what it means to me.

I think that we all want a little more freedom in our lives. Freedom to do what we want, freedom to have what we want. But I think many times on the way to achieve that freedom we become less free. We become controlled by the things we have and the goals we strive for.

Wasted Energy & Pina Coladas

I've been thinking a lot lately about my life and where I spend my time and energy. Much of my time is spent watching TV and planning for things that never seem to happen.

Are all humans doomed to always want more than we have? Is there anyone who is truly content with who they are and where they are in life?

I often think of what goes through a monk's mind as he's going about his life. Does he long to sip pina coladas on the beach while he's pulling weeds in the garden? Do Zen masters really have control over their past and present? Or do they sometimes turn red when reliving an embarassing moment? Do they regret some things they've done?

We all try so hard to paint ourselves perfect for everyone to see that we forget we are all as chipped as the Mona Lisa.

That's a lot of wasted energy if you ask me.

"Secrets to success" aren't really secrets.

I get so annoyed when I see an article or book that has the phrase "Secrets to success" in the title. Please, don't get suckered in by one of these books. They aren't secrets! They are either things that people have been saying for years or they are the personal journey of ONE man or woman.

I've read a lot of self help books and I can categorically say that none of them have really shared anything life-alteringly different. Yes, they may have a unique flavor or the book may be organized in a more pleasing manner but the substance stays the same.

The "secrets" that keep popping up tend to be the following:
Be consistent.
Keep your eyes open for opportunity.
Don't be scared to make mistakes.

Pizza, Atlantis & Realizations

I'm sitting on the couch waiting for Michael to get home with the pizza and even after a pretty trying day I'm feeling good. I'm about to work on a scene in a fiction book I'm writing, work some more on my Sane & Satisfied Heart book. Then when Michael gets home we'll eat pizza and watch Stargate Atlantis.

I'm also feeling good because I've come to terms with a few things that have been weighing heavily on me recently. Both of these realizations have come out of hurtful experiences. But with pain comes healing and deeper understanding of oneself.

Quiet Questions

I often wonder what is was like for Americans back when they had to grow their own food and it took days or months to get places...on horseback.

Did they have goals? Did they enjoy their life? While they slaved away in the field did they have an idea that inspired them to create something?

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

I've been struggling with decisions lately. What makes a decision a good decision? What makes a decision a bad decision? This struggle has clouded my judgement of my own decisions. It's gotten to the point that I don't trust my decision making skills anymore.

Part of the reason why I'm having this inner struggle is because I, like you, get judged by my decisions. And those closest to me sometimes give the harshest critiques.

$8/hr, Splitting Headaches & Possessions

I just can't get into the swing of things lately. I've had so many ideas for Sane & Satisfied and for my other ventures but my body can't keep up.

Ain't that how life goes, though? You don't regret the things you did, you regret the things you didn't do. Well, I reckon I'll be regretting a lot of things. And here I go getting morbid and mushy.

Anywho...

Rainbows & Change

Rainbows

I remember when I finally came to terms with the fact that it was time to put my first business, Buttons & Rainbows, to bed. I say put to bed because I was open and still am open to the possibility of working on it again in the future. But at the time, I was really saying goodbye.

I sat in my office and cried for almost an hour. Then, for about a week, I didn't step foot in my office. I could barely look at my door. I don't remember how I spent my time, probably doing housework and working on my laptop downstairs. But I just couldn't go in my office.

Life & Numbers

My life has been full of numbers recently.

*Getting places on time.
*Figuring out cost of goods sold for my Farmers Market items.
*Planning my weekly Couponing trips.
*Playing Masters of Venice with my husband.

Numbers are really dragging me down. I guess I'm good with numbers but I'd rather work with ideas, images, yarn, pastels, words, actions...